More hotel English

At our hotel in Jinan, the provincial capital of Shandong, the guest welcome note in our room was translated into - well, I couldn't really truthfully call it English, but it did use our alphabet. I couldn't get a clear picture, but the text read, in part:

If you are drunk the liquor please to send a telegram "2345" with the room service center relation. We will deliver the tea for you.

Please will not pollute the rug or the bed the thing as well as the turban class.

A sign in the shower was less stern, with this message:

Friendly proposing: Please control the temperature well.

Got all that?